My Little Monster
By Margaret Dixon
Student at the Berkshire Center
I have Asperger’s Syndrome, which is a form of high-functioning autism.
When I am interacting with people I barely know, I often feel that this little fact is magnified about a hundred times.
In a way, it’s a little like an aggressive puppy nipping at my heels, while I try in vain to shoo it away so that I can act like a “normal” person for once. It can also be like a huge sign around my neck saying “Hey everybody, I’m a socially awkward freak!”
I guess that is why I enjoy my alone time a little more that most people. When I’m alone with my computer, iPod, DVDs, graphic novels and art supplies, I don’t have to worry about appearing awkward or clueless. Nobody is around to judge me.
Contrary to public belief, though, even autistic people get lonely. It’s when I begin to crave the company of other people that “the little asperger’s puppy” becomes a problem. My struggle to maintain eye contact, bizarre rambling and fidgeting often seems to make an awkward impression.
I admit that I have become resentful to other people who are quick to deem me as “odd” and after just one conversation with me, decide that I am not worth knowing. I know that people who are judgemental are not really worth my time anyway, but it still stings when it happens.
Sometimes my life seem to be a cycle of isolating myself, becoming lonely, seeking out other people, humiliating myself, and the the self-imposed isolation again.
Still, it’s not that bad. I have made some friends who are willing to ignore the “Rain man” stereotype of autism and accept me despite my (sometimes irritating) quirks. I am very grateful for them.
I guess I don’t really want my asperger’s syndrome to just disappear, even if the only reason is that I don’t know any other way of thinking, or existing. If I was suddenly “cured”, I’m not so sure my sanity would remain. Autistic people often don’t take too kindly to change and I can’t really think of a more extreme change than rewiring my brain. I wouldn’t even be the same person. Would I still have the same appreciation for bizarre humor? Would I still doodle wierd creatures on my notes? Would I still have an obsession with comic books, Eddie Izzard quotes, musicals and all my other hobbies? Or would I change completely, a stranger to my family and friends, but most of all myself. This is one case where I am perfectly happy to remain “flawed” rather than have somebody “fix” my brain.
When I think, I almost always think in pictures. I have a seemingly random image to accompany every thought, even when I don’t realize it. It’s nearly impossible for me to think any other way.
In a way, the monster this is asperger’s syndrome is my worst enemy but also my best friend. It gives a unique and I admit it, often strange way of looking at the world. It lets me see who my true friends in life are (most people find it is harder to be nice to the eccentric ones than it is to be nice to “normal” people). On the other hand, it is also one of the main reasons for my loneliness sometimes. But I’ll just have to learn to live with that.
I’ll have to learn to live with everything that comes with the whole “autism package”, because it’s not the kind of package that comes with instructions. I can only image what they would say: “Step one: Get diagnosed. Step two: Sorry, you’re on your own now.”
In the end, I can’t entirely love or hate my little monster. I can only accept and live with the person it has turned me into over the years, because like it or not, I have no choice.
And yet, I’m surprisingly okay with that.
If You Enjoyed This Article, Try These:
Having Class with Miss America
Trying Bloomington On For Size
Affirmation
I am an Apple
Similar Posts:
- MORE Than a Category, a Label, a Box
- SEDF Benefit with Dr. Stephen Shore
- Tips for Accepting Gifts
- My Experience with Asperger’s Syndrome and the College Internship Program
View Comments
blog comments powered by DisqusPoll
Loading ...-
-
View Comments to “My Little Monster”
Comments
Margaret,
What an inspirational story, thank you so much for sharing it, and I'm glad you're okay with it, not so “surprisingly” after all.
You've written a great piece here. I know, accept, adore, and can relate well to “Aspergians”, a term that a famous writer with AS recently told me he prefers over “Aspie” – because his hero Spock would surely use this term. (More on him in a moment.)
Your story is particularly wonderful for many reasons: 1) it's refreshing and instructive to others who might be totally clueless what all this “spectrum” stuff means, and how people can be brilliant but “autistic”(ish) simultaneously – and not only in Hollywood/Rainman fashion. 2) For those with AS you are being SOOoo helpful, because as you so beautifully describe, once you find out the “model” (diagnosis) it's helpful but there's not too many individualized instruction books around. (That's really the same for a lot of people, and fortunately MUCH more is being shared about the not-necessarily-so-monsterish AS).
I love how you describe the feeling of being happy in solitude as long as there's something interesting to focus upon, but also being prone to loneliness while simply not being great at some types of f2f situations. I've seen some beautiful people with amazing talents and the most wonderful uniqueness – even in their sense of humor and delight in succeeding at things from art to Runescape, and enjoyment of others too, despite the “little monster” interfering sometimes. I've seen young teens *hungry* to have a lunch companion, or share their joy of art or music or whatever.
You say maybe it's not something you'd want to give up, and that's great! My last story is this:
A young teen who I would term a pure genius once asked “What is Asperger Syndrome?” He'd just heard that term for the first time. He seemed worried, like he'd been told about a curse or dreaded disease. I told him about the most common features, including intense focus, sensory sensitivity, awkwardness with social cues, and often giftedness in what they can do when focused and going about what they enjoy, full throttle. Many VERY successful people have been “Aspergian”. The boy came back to me a few days later and said, “You know, I've been thinking, and… Asperger Syndrome isn't so bad!” Truly it's not, by itself. It's … “special”.
And I know smart Aspergians who *learn* to give the non-Aspergians what *they* want and need (the eye contact, thinking less precisely and getting all the subtle innuendo and cues, etc.). Meanwhile, keep on
I would love to reprint your essay or share it with others from my own (psychology) site if it's going to be findable on this site. A great essay, great writing and a great public service to all those others who may somehow find this page and “hear” your wise words about having to sort so much of it out yourself.
FWIW: there's a great series of books by John Elder Robison, most recently “Look me in the Eye: My life with Asperger's” which is interesting, for young adults especially, the story of his amazing career as school problem to inventor to writer. I wrote an article about it too.
People are learning, thanks to people like you and sites like this! As Robison said in his book and in his presentation to psychologists this past summer, now he knows he's *not* alone, and he is in fact perfectly normal, for an Aspergian.
Margs here: Thank you for your kind words on my paper. I am also commenting to give you permission to post “My Little Monster” on your site: go right ahead.
Hi, I'm giving you permission to post the paper on your site.
are you yourself a person with aspergers? i believe i am! im liz im 23 and confused on what to do next! ive managed to get a referal for an assesment, after being knocked back by 3 different practices, but am now worried because of my apparent independance and social ability ill be by passed and left feeling let down when really inside i struggle like hell, what would you advise? there arnt that many places out there that know just how aspergers effects peoples lives and the ones who do are heavily underfunded and charity based , surprise surprise. and well done to the original author for being honest as u inspired me to do so to x
I thought what you wrote was really well written and to come out and talk about your life with asperbergers. It gives people more of the inside story of the “monster”. I give you kudos and high fives!
Done, and thank you, Margaret! I put it up on my Autism/Asperger study guide page, in the “Subjective Experience” Section, and with a link back to this blog. You're in good company (in between articles by Temple Grandin and Tony Atwood)!
MissLizz, it's really only the past few years that schools and the general public have been seeing and reading about (non-Rainman-type) “Aspergian” thinking. A lot of parents are now seeing themselves in their AS-diagnosed children (and vice versa). I definitely have some genetic leanings to intense interest in a few specific things (in my case mostly how people think, like Temple is really into how animals think). But enough about me!
You can read about others' experience – in addition to Margaret's on my Asperger Study Group page (meant to provide handouts for discussion, originally). That's at http://www.fenichel.com/asperger You should get a good idea of how much of you fits somewhere in the “spectrum”, but I agree that a good evaluation is ideal, since there are other experiences which share some of the AS features– like social awkwardness, aversion to change and commotion, super-focus on particular interests, sensory regulations, etc., plus depression and anxiety are experienced by many people, AS or not.
Depending on where you are located you might find a good resource near you, or online, where you will find out you're not the only one feeling as you do and wondering if there's a way to describe it, and maybe as Margaret has decided to do, embrace it, respect it, and be happy you at least have a name and concept to explain the set of “symptoms”. Good luck with the evaluation, results, and all the joys of self-discovery!
Margaret, your paper is now added to my Asperger references, and also stands alone at http://www.fenichel.com/littlemonster.shtml Thanks again!
Margaret, thank you again. I added your article to my resource page on AS, in the “subjective experience” section. [ http://www.fenichel.com/asperger/ ] [Standalone at http://www.fenichel.com/littlemonster.shtml ]
Mizzlizz, I think many people share at least some Aspergian features, some which I can relate to personally and many others I come across in a wide range of people, from “pure” (like the textbook definitions) to those with certain aspects, social awkwardness, narrow focus, sensory regulation issues, literalness rather than naturally “reading between the lines”, honesty to the point of needing to be more aware of implications and others' feelings. But other things can be responsible for any or all of this, so assessment (and support groups and self-help through reaching out and self-educating) … all good. You may enjoy some of the articles I put together specifically on Asperger's Disorder/Syndrome, and hopefully Margaret and others who share a bit of personal experience will in turn learn there are others out there very similar. There's lots of networking happening, a lot of good information, support, and strategies to best enjoy life while living among Aspergians and “normal” people, across all sorts of spectrums. Good luck to you!
Margs,
I am so proud of you. I've always loved your writings, and this one is such an inspiration. Keep up the great work! I miss you!
-Emma C.-
Margaret: I just wanted to say that this is an exceptionally well written, compelling narrative. You have helped me as an “outsider” better understand a little snippet of your daily life and what Asperger's Syndrome might be like. I think you have command for the creativity necessary in a good writer. I would really like to read more of your pieces! Thank you so much for sharing this with us!
Benn
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.